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Little to no thought was put into this status.
You know you’re awesome when you know you’re awesome.
If my job was to make health questionnaires, I`d slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"
Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they`re concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
My wife gives me sound advice. 99% sound. 1% advice.
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problems. 99% demons.
How about first you show me your benefits and THEN I`ll let you know if we can be friends.
I don`t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work... There`s never any left when he comes home.
I like long walks on the beach and drives through Taco Bells drive-thru.
If I pretend to be dead will you stop talking?
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job there.
When your world is falling apart, when it seems like things can`t get any worse, please remember...I don`t give a s$it.
Is your drama going to have an intermission soon? I need to pee.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.