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My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
I`m amazed at how much better my life has been since the iOS 7 update. I bet it would be even better if I owned an iPhone.
The first rule of selfie club should be to clean your room.
Sometimes I speak in a different font but no one ever notices.
I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today.......i felt like that bitch was seeing someone else.
Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business.
I finally figured out why men love belly rings so much on their women. It reminds them of the staple in the middle of their porn magazines!
Everyone wants you to "be honest" until you tell them how much they suck.
I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose
I’m always impressed when I can stump auto-correct...
I`m not sure it`s possible to fill a moving truck these days without the word "Tetris" being brought into the conversation.
I chose the wrong fork in the road, took the road less travelled and got off the beaten path and now I don`t know where the hell I am.
I´m not insensitive, I just don´t care.
A day without sunshine is like, you know... night
Living alone is pretty cool, I don`t even know if my bathroom door closes