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real eyes realize real lies
I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
Netflix is raising rates again? Man, whoever`s password I`m using has got to be pissed!
My girlfriend would be so mad if he found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call……
Just ate a whole bag of chips, but it was “reduced fat” so basically it was like going to the gym.
Married people always ask when you’re getting married like they get points for recruiting to their club of misery.
Blue&Black or White&Gold? Who cares what color the dress is, so long as its balled up on the floor of my bedroom.
My credit score is just a picture of me crying in the front yard of a nice house.
I hate when I oversleep at work and get home late.
Sobriety and I have agreed to see other people today
Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...
I thought about exercising all day long. I am so exhausted.
Just because I know I`m a "Good looking, extremely intelligent, funny as hell, sexy ass, Motherf#ker" doesn`t mean I`m "Conceited"...Im more like a "Realist", that just so happens to be very good with adjectives!...A "Bad-Ass Realist", that is!
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out