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Why hasn`t anyone invented a button next to the snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I`d miss you, but I`d still love you."
It`s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
My phone is covered in cupcake frosting and dried ice cream, in case you were wondering how my life is going.
Use Angie`s List if you want a plumber to come over. Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Her: I love it when we finish each other`s Him: pancakes
Rick Ross be rapping about cars he can`t even fit in.
I`m done with tucking in shirts. Too many people complaining I`m invading their "personal space." LOL
my stomach just growled and it sounded like it said... `Droid`....
Why do we even ask rhetorical questions?
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called " fun size" should really re-evaluate their stanards of entertainment.
Some life lessons are so profound; you only need to do them one time. Putting Icy Hot on my balls, for example …
Of course China is dominating the olympics, they probably made all of the equipment.
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
I just bought some new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said to remove the top and push up bottom. My butt hurts now but every time I fart the room smells awesome.