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is cuddling up with a good book and a cup of tea. Ah, who am I kidding... I´m looking at Hustler and having a beer.
President Obama says his daughters need minimum wage jobs to "learn what it means to work." May I suggest the same for members of Congress?
There should be a day in between Saturday and Sunday.
I wish I could talk to donkeys so I could be known as the ass whisperer.
Have you ever wondered what a job application at Hooters is like? Maybe they just give you a bra and say, “here, fill this out”.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger. So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex`s car.
No, I didn`t accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.
Here`s to ignoring our real problems and getting outraged about something on the internet.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
I`m so broke right now that if someone tried to rob me, they`d just be practising..
I found the "one" today! Surprisingly, It`s been on my keyboard all the time.
I eat a whole pizza before I go to the gym, because a good workout begins with low self-esteem.
I still sing my ABC’s to see which letter comes first.
People without kids: I`ll never yell at my kids ... People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD, JUST WALK!
Apparently, the average person looks at their phone 150 times a day. Not me. I look at it just once. For about 12 hours.