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Nothing makes me want to leave a website more than a pop-up window saying, “Are you sure you want to leave this page?”
Life isn`t a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, chances are you are going to walk home barefoot.
My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
Everybody stop what you`re doing and play with crayons! You`re wlecome, enjoy the day.
Excuse me but which level of Hell is this?
The truth is, men put the lids on jars that tight so you’d need us, we’re not that stupid.
When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should’ve listened the first time.
Waitress: `Do u have any questions about the menu?` Me: `What kind of font is this?`
Auto correct changed "group hug" to "grope hug" and I`m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
My wife told me I suffer from a lack of imagination. I said, "Yeah? Well you suffer from a lack of imagination." That showed her.
If you trip and are about to fall on the ground yell "He`s got a gun!" and then you`ll look like a cool hero.
Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart anymore isnt it??
Well, I’m bored again. Time to open the fridge
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
The best part about growing old with you is that I`ll always be the younger one.