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The patience I have for my kids is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me.
A good lawyer knows the law. An excellent one knows the judge.
Studies show that 5 out of 6 people enjoy Russian roulette.
It`s actually pretty impressive how many poor decisions I can fit in a day.
I either get what I want or I change my mind!
Judge me if you will, just keep the verdict to yourself.
Boss: Where`s the progress report I asked u for. Me: I haven`t made any progress, that`s my report! - What I imagine it`d be like if I had a job
I was going to get a lot of stuff done tonight, but I didn`t. Because, you know...beer.
I’m glad people can’t see how I have them saved in my phone. Contact names like, “Don’t Answer” and “Douchebag” and “Owes me $100".
I like it here because not only do I get to air out my dirty laundry, I get to see yours too.
I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.
Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.
Practising my breast stroke, so if I ever get a girlfriend I dont do it wrong...
status uploading
Daylight Saving Time rocks. It even makes laziness sound impressive. I did nothing for 24 hours? Not today. I did nothing for 25 hours!