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My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.
Step One: Always have a solid alibi.
Another World`s Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.
I don`t want to set the world on fire........just you.
I`m so hot I stalk myself ;)
According to this bathroom stall,,, my ex changed her number again.
I used to play sports. Then realized you can buy trophies. Now I´m good at everything.
Why can’t we all just get a Long Island Iced Tea?
I found that 99% of the time, when I`m not listening, just saying "that`s some bullshi*t" makes them happy.
I guess the teachers went back to school. The bar was nearly empty this morning.
I`d rather SH!T in my hands and clap!
The awkward moment when you’ve already said “what?” three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree.
Dear whoever ate my fries while i was in the ball pit at McDonald`s... grow up!!
Note to self: the wife does not want an `exercise pole`.
Burglars must love "My Family Stickers". They can wait in front of someone`s house, count the people that leave, and know if they have a dog or not...