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I`m amazed at the mileage my car is getting. I`m still running off the same tank of gas I bought last year!
i joined new gym yesterday. i did 3 sets of selfies on each machine
I love going for walks in the rain. You can pee your pants and no one will be the wiser.
Imagine how fun Pringles would be if the cans were spring-loaded.
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say “Give me the dumbest thing you can think of.”
Is beer cheaper on cyber monday?
Thank God you`ve updated your status to "Finished lunch" after you first posted "Going to lunch" I really couldn`t tolerate more suspense.
Sometime when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
Reason number 347 why I hate Facebook: A guy from high school posted 11 new photos all with the caption "me"
If you are the one who stole my computer yesterday, please disregard the folder labeled, "Nature photographs." Thanks.
Several decisions I make on a daily basis hinge upon the question "illegal or just frowned upon?"
When finding someone to date, drinking compatibility is more important than you think.
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!:D
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.
If you have time to update your status as "very busy", then you obviously exaggerated.