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Why do people say ”I saw it with my own eyes.” Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
Note to Denver Broncos: Marijuana is NOT a performance enhancing drug!
Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don’t love anything.
I spent at least half an hour trying to get my girlfriends bra off. I will never try wearing that again.
My theory: Every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel
In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth. Everything else was made in China
Things I do everyday: 1.Get up 2.Survive 3.Go back to bed
Spring cleaning: The term that gives us an excuse to only clean once a year.
Porn Spoiler.......The plumber doesn`t fix the leak in the kitchen sink...
The only way I know if I`ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger
Just saw a guy driving while eating ice cream. F*cking sundae drivers.
Let`s be honest... Gay Divorce Court would be the best thing to happen to daytime TV in the history of ever.
Don`t sweat the petty things and don`t pet the sweaty things.