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I have a new rule: No one is allowed to talk to me for a minimum of 24 hours after I wake up.
Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
I’m just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.
I have a life, I have the best life in the world. Oh wait sitting around watching Netflix and eating pizza rolls isn`t a life. I guess i was wrong then. :( bummer
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with "I got the live bees you sent, they`ll do nicely"
Save time. See it my way.
How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?
You know what`s the best part about waking up early? Nothing, it sucks!
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
Everyone, please... a moment of silence for all my married friends who have a shared Facebook account.
It usually only takes about five minutes into any conversation I’m having before people start shaking their head and quoting the bible.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I’ve never met a weekend that I didn’t like.
Do girls that make duck faces in pictures walk in a V formation at the mall?
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than "he sees how creepy u are, that`s why he doesn`t want to shake your hand".