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It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
Do people who run know that we’re not food anymore.
I thought I wanted to get married again. Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn`t think.
I read an actual newspaper today! For those of you who don`t understand, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.
When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it`s not what you think...
I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say `It`s so cold out!` and I say `It`s winter` and then we silently hate each other.
Some old people are driving vehicles right now and don’t even know it.
Running shoes? No, I don`t run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.
Being alone with my thoughts can be quite boring unless alcohol is involved
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
Sometimes I drive between lanes and pretend my car is Pacman gobbling up the dashed lines.
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night…he hypnotized 7 guys…then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled F*CK ME ... what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life
I can always tell when I`m drunk. I tend to drop things...like my standards
I went shopping for some camouflage trousers earlier. Couldn’t find a pair anywhere.