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Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
Got into a vicious battle with quite possibly the World`s Largest Spider. The outcome? Well, I`m updating my Facebook status this morning.... He isn`t.
All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now.
I need new swear words.
I wonder how many strangers have stories about me.
It`s only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
Why can`t my coworkers just play on the Internet like normal people instead of trying to engage me in conversation.
Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???
I don’t need your attitude. The voices in my head are enough
I wish electronics would scream a little bit when you unplugged them.
REPOSTED~WARNING~PLEASE READ! If someone comes to your door and asks you to remove your clothes,and dance with your arms in the air...~DO NOT DO THIS....~It is a SCAM~...They just want to see you naked....I wish I had known this yesterday....I feel so stupid now
I repaired my blow up doll with superglue.....that was an awkward trip to the emergency room (<>..<>)
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you? :D
Happy birthday you motor boatin SOB! Have a great day
Spoiler Alert: Ladies, if your guy friend gets you a teddy bear, it has a Camera in it.