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My coworkers should be less concerned about my job performance and just be happy I remember to wear pants each day.
How come when a girl has sex with everyone she`s a slut but when a guy has sex with everyone he`s my boyfriend
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...
If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime", say "I`m ready to hang out now" and watch them panic.
Meant to tell my kid "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school tomorrow because this is bullsh!t"
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad.
you have lips ….. i have lips …… interesting
There`s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you`re blowing up a rubber glove.
My goal this weekend is to move just enough each day so that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead
First Rule of Camping: Put up the tent before you start drinking.
I bet if there were little basketball hoops above every garbage can, littering would greatly decrease.
A gay man is just one colonoscopy away from foreplay
I`ll bet whoever said "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" had just farted
Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading "Hungry Hungry Hobo"... I shouldn`t laugh right?
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. It`s true... The less I see of someone, the more I like them!