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Do you guys dance in the shower too? This morning I did the robot! (I short circuited and stared at the wall for 40 minutes, broken)
Turns out fantasy football is nothing like I thought it would be. Anyone interested in a naughty quarterback outfit? Serious inquiries only.
No PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on Facebook.
When I`m bored, I dress up as Waldo, walk up to strangers (in a crowded airport), and say "psssst... if ANYBODY asks......YOU ain`t seen me... capiche?"
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I`m in a liquor store.
It takes balls to be a man.
Christmas is all about getting your entire dysfunctional family under one roof, hoping the cops don`t get called and nobody gets arrested.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can´t remember the other two.
*Sees my name in a math textbook* class: *stares at me* me: "yeah b!tches I bought 60 watermelons"
Who am I calling stupid?? Good question.... What`s your name?!
They say laughter is the best medicine... found out that`s not true for treating diarrhea.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like "Ugh, tourists".
Since everything is closed for Thanksgiving I’m going to drive around and park in all the good spots I never get.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.