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You guys make Facebook worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives.
What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin? (asking for a friend)
You`re so dumb you have to get naked to count to 21.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
What`s the difference between "Ooooo" and "Ahhh"? About 3 inches.
It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.
Apparently, when people say "I could use a hand" it doesn`t mean they want to get slapped in the face.
My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats.
When I`m bored, I send a random text to a random number saying "I hid the body... now what?"
Just think of how different the world would be if Noah had eaten those two chickens.
Did Humpty Dumpty sue them motherf*ckers for making that wall so high?
If those Febreeze commercials with rooms filled with stinking, rotting garbage convince you to buy their product. Here`s a heads up for you........ You need to clean your freaking house!!!
Things could be worse ... sex could be fattening
I like to Party! ... and by Party I mean take Naps