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Summer is here. I`m in the process of moving all my bad habits outside.
Half the journey is knowing where you’re parked.
Some of my ideas are about as profitable as selling YOLO T-Shirts at a Reincarnation seminar
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead, but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
Today is Friday the 13th. Try not to be a teenage girl in her underwear at night at a deserted summer camp today.
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
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I`m a crabby a$$ bitch before my coffee ... and after
I was going to do a time travelling joke but you guys didn`t like it.
You being crazy doesn`t bother me. It`s you being crazier than me...That makes me freakin` jealous.
If turning alcohol into bad decisions ever becomes an Olympic event, I`m bringin` home the Gold! USA! USA!
Whenever you feel nobody cares or loves you. You should ask yourself...Am I TOO sexy?
You can’t run from your problems forever. Eventually, you’ll have to take a car or a plane to really avoid them.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won`t buy the book.