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Sometimes all you need is $100,000
And we all have that one friend who has more blonde moments than an actual blonde.
Ahhhh, bad credit…the best identity theft protection.
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
Sticks and stones, break my bones, but hollow points expand on impact!
Some people have goals of conquering the world! My goal is to sleep through the night without having to get up and pee!
I wonder if they let me grow cannabis on Farmville, I`ll be able to sell it on Mafia Wars?
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
I`m tired of doing math. I guess I`ll get my lazy as up and fix my clocks today
If you insist on sending me pics of your boobs please at least be a female!!
I`ve decided!! I’m giving up my New Years resolutions for Lent.
If you tell people you used to weigh 500 pounds they`ll tell you how great you look at 250.
A fun way to "Break up" is to tell them to "Go long" and then never throw them the football.
If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?
Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it’s a beautiful day.