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Such a relief when things I`ve been meaning to do become things I meant to do but now it`s too late.
I`ll never understand why single women waste so much time on dating websites when there are so many eligible bachelors right here in this adult bookstore.
I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
Junk food would be a lot easier to avoid if it actually tasted like junk.
At least thirty percent of my workout is spent picking a different song.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions Note to self...avoid good intentions at all costs.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait...
I`d like to eat healthy, but we all know what happened that time Eve ate an apple. Best not to risk it.
Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant
The hay in baby Jesus`s manger came from Christian Bales.
Uhm, excuse me waiter... I`d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.
Well, Iām bored again. Time to open the fridge
All I need right now is a hug ... And five hundred thousand dollars in cash.
I could actually watch golf on TV if Land Mines were involved.
My favorite part of The Notebook is when I turned it off and watched Terminator 3 instead.