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"I`m sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing...except when you`re at a funeral.
Look, if your cart is in the middle of the aisle and I need to get by, then yes, this is bumper cars.
I should be cleaning and disinfecting the toilet bowl today cause I have a feeling I`ll be hunched over hugging it later tonight.
My life is just one long improvisation.
"Karate" is an old Japanese word that means, "My kid can`t hit a baseball."
All I`m saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.
My New Years resolution is always don’t die. So far so good.
The color 9 is my favorite letter.
You ever wonder why wearing no underwear is called “going commando”? It seems to me it wouldn’t be useful in a combat situation.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people.
All a girl wants is a guy that can make her laugh ... and not just when he drops his pants.
I`d love to drown my problems... I just can`t get my spouse to go swimming!
Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.
I think some people just log into Facebook just to send me game requests.
The term "chubby chasers" is so inaccurate and misleading. Cause we don`t run.