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that awkward moment when you`re scuba diving and you see Adele rolling in the deep.
I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. "Guys, we`re all millionaires, none of this matters."
Having children is a fantastic source of free labor.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: `Why am I talking to myself?`
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my phone. 1. I don`t have a girlfriend.
Million dollar idea: A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
So much to do and so few alibis.
Some people are like eye-candy... I`m more like eye-meatloaf.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Never ask a Leper to "give you a hand", seriously, don`t........................
Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they`re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!:D
Whenever I want a klondike bar I just pay for it.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"