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WebMD needs to add the question "Have you eaten Taco Bell today?" when asking about stomach-related symptoms.
This woman is so impressed at my driving that she got next to me just to show me she’s not wearing a ring. Thanks hun, but wrong finger!
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
My wife and I decided to make our own sex tape. She was pissed off when I started holding auditions for her part.
I always keep a Mexican restaurant on speed dial in queso emergency.
What did the Japanese man say to the other Japanese man? Something in Japanese,
Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.
It’s like I wanna be left alone but I still want people to notice my absence, you know.
The art of taking a self pic fast enough that no one sees you. The Stealthfie.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
The parents with the ugliest babies take and post the most pictures.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
Do you ever look through old pictures and wonder, “Where the hell did that shirt go?”
If I keep hitting the treadmill like I do every night, in a few weeks maybe I`ll learn to turn on the light when I get up to pee in the dark
I`d rather be someone`s shot of whiskey than everyone`s cup of tea.