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Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
When I was a kid they didn`t call it "Behavioral Disorders", They called it "Being a little brat".
I always laugh at myself. If I didn´t, everyone else would be having fun without me.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
How long does it usually take for a Happy Meal to start working?.... It`s been an hour.
I do not fail, I succeed at things that do not work.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell, well he actually told me to eat "less McDonalds" but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Time to get out of bed and worry from another location.
If there`s one thing I`ve learnt in life it`s to stay clothed during sensitive conversations.
I`ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
I bought a book called `How to become an expert at Origami`. So far, I`ve made 1000 paper snowballs.
I just realized that Mr. Rogers had the first man-cave.
My buddy told me he was going to Beerfest this weekend, I asked him where, he said "any bar I walk into!!!"
The guy who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a download did not take his job seriously at all.
Know what? If they had Neosporin back in 1931, that nasty scar on Frankenstein`s forehead would have been far less noticeable.