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Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
They say love is in every corner... my life must be a f*cking circle!
Coffee is gods way of saying "go ahead get trashed on a weeknight, I`ve got your back"
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
is having some serious PMS: Parked Motorcycle Syndrome!
I`m available if anyone needs me to ruin a good thing before it even starts.
I’m not sure why, but to me Cheerios sound like the happiest of all circular shaped cereals.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn`t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me...
I`m thinking about starting a vegetarian dance club... I`m going to call it "lettuce turnip the beets". What do you think?
If a lesbian c*ckblocks another lesbian, is that considered a beaver dam?
I am having one of those days where my middle finger answers every question.
The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don’t check their phone for 3 hours.
This Facebook is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Some days it´s not worth chewing through the straps.
That awkward moment when you forget what you’re watching during the commercial break.