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It took dozens and dozens of flushes and a plunger, but my guinea pig`s funeral is finally over.
Men are like dogs. We’re excited to see you and have no clue what you’re mad about.
I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.
All I`m saying is, I`ve never seen my ex and Satan in the same room together.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching `Night at the Roxbury.` "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"
Man what a day. I pulled my groin...for like 20 minutes.
Matt Damon is set to play an all-action version of Jesus in his new Easter based Biblical film, "Bourne Again Christian".
I don`t understand fat homeless people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
A gay man is just one colonoscopy away from foreplay
I`m paying my taxes with a smile, but they wrote me back saying they want cash.
Nice try blocked number, but I don`t even answer my phone when I know who`s calling.
SAFETY TIP: Lock your doors and windows before bed. By the way, I love what you`ve done with the place.
When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.
So apparently I`ve been Googling `Asian Prom` this whole time. I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren`t going to bang.