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Make somebody happy today... mind your own business!!!
I am actually impressed by what Lance Armstrong has done. When I was on drugs, I couldn`t even find my bike!
*breaking news music plays* Last thought of the night: Why is now everyone talkin` bout "twerkin`"? Man, that shyt been `round since the days of Hammer pants and spandex shorts!!!!
Presidents’ Day is just another made up holiday to sell more presidents
You can tell by a woman`s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Don`t waste your time being difficult. Put forth a little more effort and be impossible.
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
Secretly replaced the bacon with beggin` strips. Let`s see if the customers notice.
If you have to use a shot glass to make your drinks then you`re not doing it right...
If anyone ever steals my identity, I hope they show it a good time. Take it skydiving. We`ve always wanted to go skydiving.
Humpty Dumpty was pushed I tell ya. PUSHED!!!!!!
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Just once I want to see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
Calling out your ex`s name during sex is a nice way to show your current lover that you won`t forget them after you break up.
Finding a needle in a haystack is quite easy if you just set the hay on fire.