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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
I can`t wait to procrastinate.
That weird moment when u just say "what`s up " to someone and they thing you`re a shrink.
Just had workplace violence training. It`s like HR doesn`t even care about the first rule of fight club.
The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I`m done picking my nose, I`m gonna smile and wave.
I bought my Ex a chair ... But the state won`t let me plug it in.
Just changed my wireless network name in my apartment to "I can hear you having sex through the ceiling and it sounds mediocre."
I’d be unstoppable if it wasn’t for law enforcement and physics.
If you`re behind someone at the ATM late at night, let them know you`re not a threat by giving them a gentle kiss on their neck.
According to serving sizes tonight, I`m a family of 4.
When I count calories it involves a bunch of multiplication.
There were 2 muffins in a muffin shop the first 1 says "I love being a muffin!" then the 2 muffin says ``Holy crap its a talking muffin!"
You`re never too old to ride in a radio flyer wagon but apparently you can be too fat.
Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinky head that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.