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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
Thinking of getting another kitchen table just for all my mail
Iām in a long distance relationship. Sure, some people refer to it as a restraining order, but still.
Man, those 2013 Mayan Calenders are REALLY hard to find...
Do you remember that creepy guy who stood behind you on a train 6 years ago and was smelling your hair? Hi!
i hope your life is as long and useful as this roll of toilet paper!!!
Loneliness is when your sleeve unrolls itself while washing dishes and you try to roll it back up with your face.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It`s not like a murderer will come in thinking "I`m gonna ki..- ahh damn! He`s under a blanket
Being an American is awesome. The end.
So how many pokes does it take before its considered a heavy petting?
All I want for Christmas is for these calories to not count.
They say 1 minute of kissing burns 26 calories. No wonder sluts are so damn skinny.
The 4 stages of a relationship: 1. I like you 2. I love you 3. I hate you 4. Arson