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Transformation Tuesday! Throwback Thursday! Flashback Friday! Never underestimate a woman`s ability to find a reason to post a selfie.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn`t just "lay in bed and watch TV all day" I traveled very far thank u
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead, but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
A cop comes up to a man on the street. Cop: Seen anything unusual? Man: A dolphin with a hat once. Cop: I mean around here. Man: No, they live in water.
It`s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she`s on a whole other level.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the “ABCs” in my head to remember which letter comes next.
My dream job would be the Karma delivery service.
After a night of heavy drinkin’ there’s one thing I can’t stand… and that’s up.
Being clean and sober means i’ve showered and am heading to the liquor store.
I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...
So apparently putting Alkaseltzer in my pocket while I`m getting baptized and pretending I`m the devil is not funny.
The sooner one of you ladies takes ‘one for the team’ and becomes my girlfriend, they sooner I leave the REST of you alone!
It is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
I thought I cracked this "adulthood" till I realised my shirt was on inside out !!!!!