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Life is beautiful ...... but Monday`s suck all the way around.
When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
Look UPS guy, you can`t just show up at someone`s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.
It is totAlly unnecessary to put a PM after 23:00.
Had a blast doing my Black Friday tradition!!!! I slept!
My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.
I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my credit card goes through
I don`t have to run faster than the lion, I just have to run faster than you.
Oh no. I thought of a brilliant status to update while taking bath but by the time I got back to my phone I forgot it. This is why I hate taking a bath.
You know you`re broke when your Bologna Does Not have a first name!
The three most terrifying words a woman can utter to a man are "notice anything different?"
The Three Up`s in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they`re born AND after they`re dead.
I dont hate you but, if you put `just about to jump off a cliff` as your facebook statuses i would poke you
Apparently my "Please STFU" face bears a strong resemblance to my "Oh, Please Keep Talking" face.