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(For women only) Wants to go on the Maury Povich show and hear, "You are NOT the mother!"
During the summer months, be sure to dress for the body you have. Not the body you want.
My friends are the type of friends that if my house was on fire, they would be over here with marshmallows and hitting on the hot fireman!
Every year new words are added onto the dictionary, yet no new positions are added to the karma sutra.
If I could move things by telekinesis I`d squeeze people`s insides and make them fart.
Dogs lick each other`s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
I believe in looking out for number one. Especially if the dog is not house trained.
I`d better check my phone for texts from friends. *checks phone* Well, I`d better get some friends...
It`s all fun and games until you find out she`s a psychotic bitch...
Saying you like one political party over another, is like saying one filthy whore is prettier than the other filthy whore.
The guy who invented, "Take Your Child To Work Day," probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on his way to work..
I`m flattered that you took time out from your lack of a life to judge mine.
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
Tried to explain Twitter to my 80 year old Mother, pretty sure she is now insane.
I`ve been waiting all winter to complain about the summer heat