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What a rip-off. I picked up a book called 101 Mating Positions. It turned out to be a book on chess.
"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
99% sure my soulmate is a piece of pizza.
Those friends who like and at the same time unlike my statuses please you`re increasing my blood pressure!
I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today.......i felt like that bitch was seeing someone else.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
If I had a dollar for everytime i thought of you, I would start thinking about you!
Give fat people a break. They have a lot on their plate.
My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell `em: "You`re gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates"..... whatever!!
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Just once, I`d like to clock out from work by sliding down a dinosaur.
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a normal pigeon.
Guys be like, "Lets play 21 question." Girl: Ok, what`s your favorite color? Boy: Triangle, so you a virgin?
Pulling out a winter coat and going through the pockets to find out who I was 8 months ago.
Not to brag,,,, but legally,,, before something can be labeled "Idiot Proof",,, they have to run it by ME.