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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don`t know what he laced them with, but I`ve been tripping all day.
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
With all the technology these days, you`d think they would come up with an Online Gym where losing weight would be a click away
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
I bet everyone in Gotham prisons really hates the guy that killed Bruce Wayne`s parents.
If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
I quit my job and handed in my badge and gun to my boss, he said, why do you have a gun? You work at McDonald’s.
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the coffee and went straight for the booze?
Today’s Horoscope: You’re gullible
I never get caught because I`ve watched all 27 seasons of Cops..
Coffee: So I can do nothing with more energy.
Every time I see a pregnant woman, I very much want to ask if she swallowed a watermelon seed.
Today I heard a guy on the street say, `It`s chowder season, baby!` so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you’re hot.
Did we try giving the government a snickers?