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What do you call a woman with big breasts who doesn`t make sandwiches? A compromise.
3 things I will never understand: 1. The meaning of life. 2. The universe. 3. How Spongebob & Patrick made those sounds effects in that box.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school] "It doesn`t matter if its a dog, it`s still called a cat scan"
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
If you`re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
I`ve heard that men that are married live longer, but i`ve also heard that men that have sex live longer. Anybody know which one of them is true?
When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it`s like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.
I`ll go to great lengths to scavenge other devices for batteries, before I will go out to buy new ones
You know nothing about a woman until she`s drunk and mad at you
Ahh..Monday, so we meet again ... You dirty bitch!!
My neighbors listen to AC/DC at 6:00 every morning. Whether they like it or not...
Wanna ruin a girl’s day? Respond to her next text with “Who is this?”
Pretty sure one of my ex-girlfriends added the, "are you still listening?" feature on Pandora.
I like to start my day by taking a shower, having some coffee and going online for 14-16 hours.
Besides being curled up on the bathroom floor convinced I was dying from liver failure for a few hours, last night was fun.