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Pepper spray: The perfect way to end an annoyingly long conversation.
A mistress is something between a Mister and a mattress.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
I have been delaying my computer updates an hour for the past 3 years.
Saw someone try and park a car for about 10 minutes. I didn’t see the person so I’m not going to assume what gender she was.
oh look at the time, it`s time to not care
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
Some people are like rain clouds. Once they f*ck off, it`s a beautiful day.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people.
It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced “Haha, f*ck you!”.
I love that little thing that you do...You know, the one where you leave.
thumbs up if you pee on the side of the toilet to make it quiet.
I`ve found that nowadays most people don`t like holding hands in public. Especially if you don`t know them.
Though we made many advancements in society, sadly, pimpin’ STILL isn’t easy.
Happy Birthday to someone I would donate some non-essential organs to, and the fact that a Facebook reminder told me it was your birthday doesn´t make it any less special. Plus I live so far away that your birthday requires almost no effort on my part. And sorry I tried to kill you all those times when we were