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We should do this “3-day weekend” thing more often.
Often I convince myself I enjoy the company of other humans. Then I spend time with them and remember I don`t.
If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.
I can only please one person a day...and today is not your day!
I`ve made up my mind, I`m not giving up anything for Lent, I`m no quitter...
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach? It`s not hard.
I wish I could match my dog`s excitement to go outside.
If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don’t need it to add up all the ladies you get….
Jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler.
Because it`s the season to give thanks, I would just like to say....you`re welcome.
Thursday doesn`t even count as a day, it`s just the thing that`s blocking friday.
I don`t care if you wear footie pj`s or sleep with a Snuggie. If you swish Listerine in your mouth for the full 30 seconds, you are BADA$$.
Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.