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I hate when I get to work and I`m at work.
There should be an "undo" button in an elevator for when you accidentally hit the wrong floor.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science
Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
The reason i connot lie is because i like big butts.
How come know-it-alls don`t know how annoying they are?
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
The zoo basically has two modes. 1. Lazy sleepy animals. 2. Hard core porn
For the record, you`ll need a turntable needle.
My goal is to move just enough each day that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead.
Somebody told me I`m horrible with names.
I don`t have any skeletons in my closet because I bury my victims in the backyard!
I`ve found a new coping mechanism....................COOKIES!
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I`d probably have done better if they`d specified that they didn`t mean by tickling.
If you`re ever worried there`s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. If no one laughs, there`s no one there