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That awkward moment when there`s not a single awkward moment
I don`t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
I`m not insulting you, I`m describing you.
I don’t repeat gossip, so listen carefully
I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
Gym update: not there
Roses Are Red, Violets Are Red, Trees Are Red ... F*ck? my gardens on fire!
Caterpillars have it made. They eat a lot, go to sleep, then wake up beautiful.
I started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper but then I realized they can`t hear me through binoculars.
If a woman is talking to me about her problems, I better be the cause of them.
If turning alcohol into bad decisions ever becomes an Olympic event, I`m bringin` home the Gold! USA! USA!
If a post is really good you will read it twice. if a post is really good you will read it twice.
Just because I`m nodding my head at appropriate times while you`re talking doesn`t mean I give a sh!t about what you`re saying..
I never used to mind my wife hitting me in the face as she climaxed until I found out she was faking it.
Do you like the strong, silent type? Then you`ll love my farts.