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Don`t rush me, I`m waiting until the last minute.
Why I don’t like people: 1% logical reasons. 99% just because.
It`s ok if you don`t like my personality,,, I`ve got others.
Seems like everyone is either trying to pretend they have the life they want, or escape the life they have.
Crap, summer is here and I`m nowhere near in drinking shape yet.
Not sure why my wife is only mad at me, our 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
I`d be vegetarian ... if bacon grew on trees.
He who laughs last didn´t get it.
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
Being sick is your bodies way of saying “Hey, you really need to catch up on some TV”.
It`s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
Me on New Years Eve: “I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.”
If I ever had to run for my life, I would probably die.
The parents with the ugliest babies take and post the most pictures.
It would be so cool to be able to see an album of all the pictures you’ve accidentally photobombed in public.