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Don`t do anything you`re not prepared to explain to a paramedic...
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an iPad.
I need coffee in my life more than I need most people.
I don’t know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.
Liquor makes me happy, You ..... not so much.
I`m really good at making poor decisions. You`re my favorite so far.
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! - no one ever
I just don`t have enough middle fingers for today.
Does "Can I take your order?" sometimes mean "Let`s start a new life together" or am I reading too much into this?
To the makers of rice cakes; thanks for nothing!
I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think people are taking it as a challenge.
Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn`t matter. It`s all good. But a Pepsi drinker...
You’ll never get the same results running in place as you will running from a lion.
Whenever you`re powerless, remember: A single one of your pubic hairs can shut down a restaurant.
The best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of your own sentence, that way they will just think you lost service.