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What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin? (asking for a friend)
IM LOST! I`ve gone to look for my self. If u see me, tell me to wait here till I get back.
You`ve never been truly drunk until you`ve had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.
I hate when I’m comfortable in bed and I forget my iPhone in the other room!
I was sitting in traffic the other day. That’s probably why I got run over.
My life has a great cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.
Renewed my "Man Card" today, by going out in the cold, drizzly weather to cut firewood. In other news, police are investigating sightings of a chainsaw wielding maniac in the my area. I hope the catch that nut job!
If you see me laughing like a crazy person, think nothing of it ..it`s just the voices in my head telling me jokes!
Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I`ll read 4 or 5 status updates and I`ll cry, because I relieze how dysfunctional some of my friends life`s are. but then I`ll smile when I remember things like the leftover pizza from last night sitting on the coffee table!
For over 20 years, I thought Bon Jovi gave love a Band-Aid
I´m not cheap, but I am on special this weekend. ;)
Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade`s gonna suck!
Thanks for the free weekend offer E-Harmony but my wife said I can`t use it.
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.
Just realized the irony of putting Bacon on my VeggieBurger..........