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My girlfriend called me up and said "Come on over to my place. No one`s home!" I went over. No one was home.
I`ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she`s a woodpecker.
I`ll be thankful when this thankful month is over.
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is?
The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
Today is International Women’s Day. It was actually supposed to be held 2 days ago but they took too long to get ready.
That awkward moment when the majority of people think your status is stupid.
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos
When someone says “You just made my day,” it makes my day.
I think you people lied to me...exactly how much of this hair of the dog do I have to eat before this hangover goes away?
Every night before bed I do this cute little thing where I stare at the Internet for 6.5 hours
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I`m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
I am convinced God only created six days and the devil added Monday.
There are only 53 days until Christmas... just a heads-up in case you haven`t shopped for me yet.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.