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If you eat it in the car before you get home, it never existed.
My tricks aren`t for kids.
Last night I went out drinking with some high school friends. About 2 hours into it they were like..."dude, shouldn`t you be hanging out with people your own age?"
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two.
Do you ever feel like you`re in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting?
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you have tits. Simple as that
I`ve decided to add more positivity in my life. So, now when I say someone`s an a@#hole, I qualify it with......... but he`s really good at it...........and I`m positive about that!
I never thought you could really guess too low whenever a woman asks you her age. I guess 6 was pushing it.
You never know how dirty a song’s lyrics are…until you hear a child sing them.
St Patricks Day, when you can eat lucky charms dowsed in beer and everyone thinks..great idea!
Thinking " What would happen if the whole world farted at once and a person lit a lighter?"
I`m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating. - Guys.
People hate facing the truth. Luckily the truth doesn`t give a sh*t.
I was named after my father. I don`t really like the name "Dad" though.