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Ladys, if you`re in an argument with a guy and there`s no may to win. Start playing with your boobs...works every time.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on.
Mother mosquito: Hey kiddo, how was your first flight? kid mosquito: Great mom! Everyone was clapping for me.
Alcohol doesn´t solve any problems ... but then again, neither does milk.
Woke up with my credit card lying on my keyboard. I can`t wait to see what drunk me bought sober me.
45 minutes on the treadmill is no big deal if you don`t turn it on
Must be lonely over there on "I`m offended by jokes" island.
You`re not laughing out loud. You know it and I know it
Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
Dear Diary, men think about sex every 7 seconds. I do that with pizza.
Abbreviation is an unnecessarily long word.
is cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Spice up your Facebook experience by making your status updates your google searches.
These statuses are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.