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Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the hell.
Wine: How classy people get trashed.
If abortion is murder then are condoms kidnapping?
Relationships would be easier if people came with a “Clear History” button.
Beer is like sex. When it’s good it’s good…when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
Dear YouTube, I will always “Skip this ad.”
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
Wow, I haven`t seen you since the last time I wish I hadn`t seen you
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the shit out of you.
To be honest, I´m just fishing for compliments tonight.
Hey babe, go to Google Earth, zoom in on your house. See that blue cap in the bushes? Hi!
It`s really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches...
Don`t fall in love, learn how to ruin your life all by yourself.
My friend thinks he`s so smart. He said onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.