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Breakfast in bed probably means you are dating someone. Dinner in bed means you`re probably single.
I don`t lift so maybe I`m wrong about this, but I feel like Popeye might be focusing on his forearms too much.
When I think of a SELFIE, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of...
I honestly have a fear that one day I`ll leave my house and not be wearing any pants!
Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority.
Let`s be honest... Gay Divorce Court would be the best thing to happen to daytime TV in the history of ever.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts.
I’ve taken off my pants in most malls that I’ve been to.
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Note to self: stop buying stuff on Ebay when drunk. Anyone need a zamboni?
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
When the zombie apocalypse happens, I’m going to blast Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”, while the zombies chase us, just to lighten the mood.
I just don`t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?