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Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They`er so warm and cozy, and it`s fun to scan the laundromat and guess whose they are.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means he can eat anything off the floor if he waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles and pay to walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Dear Costumer Service: I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to you?
Its around this time each year that i just enjoy going outside and seeing my christmas lights already set up from the year before.
Sometimes the smartest thing you can do is play dumb.
Don’t judge someone because they sin differently than you.
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake it then you`ve got it made!
For once in my life, I’d like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my p@nis is.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were texting all night with a calculator.
I used to eat natural food, until I heard people were dying of natural causes
I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.
I’m in a rush to go home and do absolutely nothing.
ATMs should have built in breathalyzers. I would save so much money.