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The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
I need a keyboard shortcut for "sorry it`s taken me so long to reply to your text..."
I hate it when I buy organic veggies but when I get them home I find out they are regular frosted donuts...
“Do you have a charger?” is the new “Could I bum a cigarette?”
The bat signal seems pretty useless if they need Batman during the day.
That moment when you’re talking to yourself and you smile like an idiot, because you’re just so hilarious.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
People who say, “Happy New Year” to you on the 4th of January are not really your friends.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the "Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down" warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Facebook made billions by saying “Hey, remember that kid you haven’t seen since the third grade? He’s a parent who hates Obama now.”
It’s always a special moment when you finally get to hear those three words you’ve been waiting for……. “Your order’s ready.”
The fact that this peanut butter jar states that it "Contains Peanuts" makes me extremely nervous for the human race.
These Jehovah`s Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.
I`m sorry. . . I didn`t mean to stare. . . it`s just that I have never seen stupid of this magnitude up close before
I just hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he`s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.