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Breaking News: Tuesdays suck just as much as Mondays.
If you don`t have anything nice to say I would probably enjoy spending time with you
OMG ... I hate waiting in lines ... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
Alcohol is never the answer. Unless someone asked me, "What are you doing this weekend?"
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn’t even know I was driving.
If a man doesn`t drink when he`s living, how in the hell can he drink when he`s dead?
My dad`s TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.
Bad things happen to good people, so I`m pretty sure we`re all safe
Ladies, when it comes to doggy style.....I`m behind you 100%
I’m tired of chasing my dreams, I`m just going to ask them where their going and meet them there later.
I`d be the stripper that got fired for eating her way out of the cake instead of jumping out of it.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says "Please give me a hand" is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
“Star Wars” fans are very upset that the story line of the upcoming new “Star Wars” movie has been leaked. Apparently the movie starts with R2-D2, Chewbacca, and Han
That awkward moment when you forget what you’re watching during the commercial break.