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When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told. Twice now.
Behind every man there is a woman wondering if going to jail for murder is as bad as it sounds.
The path to inner peace begins with 3 simple words....Not my problem.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
So far, I am 100% at believing what happened next on Facebook links.
There may be two sides to every story, but you’re still a douche in both of them.
Stop waiting for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make that sh!t perfect.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. "How`s it going?", "How about the weather?", "Where are your pants?".
I think my smart phone is making fun of me behind my back.
I’m pretty good at keeping my sh!t together. Until there’s a bee around.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to.
"We`d be rich if you just said one f*cking word" - me, drunk, talking to my dog
I only support ghost hunting if you need the ghost for food.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34D.
Plumber: you have hard water. Me: you mean like ice?