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My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
The right man will love you unconditionally, will be loyal, and will always be happy to see you. ... Oh wait, That`s my dog. My dog does that.
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.
I swear my bed just whispered "Please Don`t go."
Me: Where can I find the milk? Her: Sir, this is a library. Me: *whispers* Sorry, where can I find the milk?
When one door closes and another one opens, it`s time to pack up and leave because your house is clearly haunted.
This oatmeal tastes like I`m gonna need a doughnut.
How old do I have to be when I can start pulling in front of cars without looking?
Bran flakes. Helping pants fit better for over 100 years.
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Some girls post the most depressing love sh!t that even I`m starting to miss their ex!!!
Buys Mega-Millions ticket. Has a better chance of being hit by lightning in a cave.
Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those medications.
Pizza doesn’t ask questions. Pizza understands.