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So tell me, does it hurt to be so full of sh!t?
Love makes the world go `round, but alcohol makes it spin.
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
My most frequent walk of shame is from one bathroom to the other with the plunger
i dont drink any more and yet again i dont any less either
I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won`t have to talk to them.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik`s Cube to solve it
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
My Ex texted me."please delete my number."I replied,"Who`s this??"
Why do people ask "What were you thinking?" Obviouly, I thought I was going to get away with it!
As funny as it might be, It`s never polite to yell "Tuba Lesson!" Before farting.
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really really fast :)
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Life gave me onions ... Onionade sucks.
Being in the friend zone is like being the guy in the band who plays that little triangle.