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Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
But in my most troublesome times, I looked down and saw only one set of footprints. I asked the Lord why, and He replied that sand people ride single file to hide their numbers.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. “Alright, get in the basket”
I´m playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can´t get off the couch or I´ll die.
Most of you like waking up in the morning to see the "comments" and "likes" that your status received. I like waking up in the morning to see WTF I posted!
I`m pretty sure the phrase "Did I say that out loud?" is just a way of adding an exclamation point.
I`ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won`t tell you what they`re wearing.
Putting on deoderant and colonge because you haven`t showered in days, is as about as useful as shutting the lid on a toilet after its overflowing.
Some people need a shock collar. I need the remote.
Condoms prevent minivans.
You know it`s time to delete Facebook when your mom, dad, uncles, aunties, grandparents etc... is on it.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food. :)
I feel like people who don`t have at least one bottle of expired salad dressing in the fridge, really have their lives together.
I must have drank more than I thought last weekend...there`s an entire hour that I don`t remember!