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FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that`s easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Procrastination comes to those who wait.
Sarcasm. Because communicating with morons is hard.
We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately, so I had to talk to my family for a few hours. They seem like nice people.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I`m not mean to poor people, like I am now.
I`d like to give a big shout-out to all my hard of hearing friends!
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for 2?” I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”
Treasure the years with your children while they are still distracted by bubbles.
My package finally came today. this is awesome....it means I have bubble wrap to play with
My doctor said I need to workout with dumb-bells. Would any of you like to go jogging with me?
What`s the hold up on making extremely heavy shoes for toddlers so they can`t run around so much?
Turns out a At Home DNA Test is not a good baby shower gift.
"Wow! That butterfly`s gonna be HUGE!" - First person to find a mummy
Trix commercials just teach kids that sharing is bad.