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I think it`s safe to say that my 2 year old is definitely more excited to see the fire truck next door than my neighbor.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, "Please wear."
Ended a relationship today. Don`t worry, it wasn`t mine.
I wonder how many dads named their sons Luke just so they can say "Luke, I am your father."....
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
There`s no time like the present to make a positive change in your life ... or to take a nice nap
Do you ever get bored on the internet and then grab your phone to see what the other, smaller internet is up to?
I can’t even imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory.
If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and looks like a duck then it could be a dragon doing a duck impersonation.
It must be really hard to judge wet t-shirt contests. I saw one recently, and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the highway it reminds me of some of the drunken nights we use to have.
If you`re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
Man cannot live on bread alone ... hence beer and stuff.
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...... *high 5*