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Just drank a `coffee to go` while sitting. Screw the system!
If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Shout out to Pringles for never giving us a half can of air.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k ... I don`t think I can run that far
thinking men should come with a carfax....
You know what the cheapest meat is? Deer balls ... They`re under a buck
Must be lonely over there on "I`m offended by jokes" island.
A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
Police ordered me to get out of my car `You`re staggering` said the officer .`you`re not to bad looking yourself` I replied
There`s a time and a place for alcohol ... In my hand and now.
I don`t need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure winter, fall asleep, and controll my high blood pressure
After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me " maybe life isn`t for everyone"
I got food poisoning today. I don`t know when I`ll use it though.
Facebook is great, but I still miss the good old days of writing down my random thoughts and sliding them into stranger`s pockets.