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Black Friday is Americas version of running with the bulls.
It`s hard to make your coffee when you haven`t had your coffee.
My number one rule to live by is: Don’t die.
Never send in a beer to do the work of a tequila shot.
Keep calm and pretend today isn’t Monday.
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, can burn your a$$ tomorrow.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don`t think of until too late
I couldn`t be on a reality show because I wouldn`t want my mom to see how many times I make the jerk-off motion when we talk on the phone
I`m too lazy to ever write a biography. Story of my life.
The people who make medicine clearly have no idea what fruit tastes like
Strange new trend at work. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Yesterday I ate a tuna sandwich named Jennifer.
I`m the perfect man if you don`t factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.
School was so much easier when 2 plus 2 equaled 4 instead of "X." Whoever decided to involve the alphabet in math deserves a solid punch to the face.
Chips have little nutritional value. That’s why you need to eat the whole bag.