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I have found that the best work from home occupation is a bartender
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back in my toy chest..
Bitch I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.
You can stay, but your clothes must go.
Looking back at old text messages and Facebook messages and being like "What the hell was I thinking when I said that."
My little brother just told me I looked stoned as hell. Which is a little weird, considering I don`t have a little brother...
That moment when you think you know somebody then they pull out an entirely new bag of stupid.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written “eff off forever” instead of “keep in touch” in your yearbook.
Being a camera must be pretty cool. You get to sleep until there`s something cool to see.
Give a man a fish & he`ll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.
What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this...
I`m so, so sorry I started the whole Facebook Is Going To Start Charging thing. I didn`t think it would go THIS far..... sorry
When you’re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
No really I`m fine, I have drugs and alcohol to block out reality, but thanks anyway...