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It`s pretty cool how vodka always has such `great` ideas.
My minivan is always rocking, but it`s usually because I`m trying to smack one of the kids in the backseat while I drive.
The bible says you can`t buy your way into heaven but there isn`t a church in the country that won`t encourage you to try.
One day, I will solve my problems with maturity. Today, however, it will be with alcohol.
You`d think the nerds on The Big Bang could fix that stupid elevator.
I just got kicked out of the Zoo! How was I supposed to know that real hippos don`t actually eat marbles?
Chasing your dreams is hard... especially when that damn alarm keeps going off
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Traffic jams are more tolerable if you just think of them as really boring parades.
Pick a woman with wits. Wits will never sag.
My wife said if this gets 100 likes, we`ll try butt stuff........ * Please DON`T like,,, her strap-on is big and scary.....
The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake it then you`ve got it made!
My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance.... We`ll see about that.
Why can`t life be as easy as I am?
Do angry people know about naps?