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That urge you get to write, "No one cares" on someone`s status.
If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
Being `clean and sober` means I`ve showered and I`m headed to the liquor store.
Why do restaurants always say "Shirt and Shoes Required" but never say anything about pants?
My neighbors don`t appreciate it when I skip along the property line, singing "This Land is My Land."
Life`s tough. It`s tougher if you`re stupid...
If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Am I supposed to bring condoms to a speed dating event? How fast do these things actually go?
You heard me right. I said:"Lets agree to disagree." It`s much more polite than:"Whatever, bitch."
Don`t get me wrong, Chinese food is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe that a chicken fried this rice.
If it wasn`t for pizza delivery, you wouldn`t see me shoveling a walkway.
I went to the missing persons` beurau. No one was there.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone "Hello you`re on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Anyone else pretend to work all day while thinking about big boobs instead?
I`m thinking of making a sax tape to make myself well known like some of the bad boys and girls do...does it matter if I can`t play it?