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Stop dwelling on the past and start f*cking up the future.
For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
great minds and dirty minds have something in common, they think alike
If someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
"I can`t wait to nail you later" *whispers to the new picture I just bought*
i wish i could sleep ... but my damn A.D.D. kicks in and basically 1 sheep, 2 sheep, cow, turtle, duck, Ol McDonald had a farm, HEEEY Macerena.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… I just suck at fishing.
You’re lucky that I’m so terrified of prison.
First, Ray Rice. Now, Adrian Peterson. The prison football league is going to be off the chain this year.
I will never forget the day when she said yes to me because that was the last time we agreed on anything.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) I`m not motivated enough B) You would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
I wish I had money so I could be eccentric instead of just weird.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
Running away doesn`t help your problems, unless you`re fat. Then yeah, run away.