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I thought Row vs. Wade was Washington`s decision when he reached the Delaware.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son`s love, I sometimes think to myself, "This may be the worst prize ever."
Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
2017 didn`t need that extra hour back.
Some people have goals of conquering the world! My goal is to sleep through the night without having to get up and pee!
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church. Everyone looks at you in digust, but deep down inside they want some.
No matter what happens this month, at least you’re not a turkey.
Sharing your faith on Facebook is like sharing a fart in a elevator. It might feel nice to come out but no one really wants to hear it.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it`s up to you.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. “Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you.”
I wish my wallet came with free refills.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing Domino`s."
You`re pretty cocky for someone with such a small ... vocabulary.
<-- Is my name! Isn`t it awesome!?