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I end a sentence with "just sayin" because ending it with "dumbass" would be offensive.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Save your little napkin, bartender. I don’t plan on having this drink long enough to set it down.
Was sitting, doing nothing. Then I realized I could be sitting and doing nothing on Facebook. So here I am.
Ok honey don’t freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn’t do the dishes.
It’s interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering
Finding friends with the same mental disorder as you ... Priceless
I`ve been waiting all winter to start complaining about the summer heat.
Euphoria....the feeling you get when you finally beat "that" level on Candy Crush.
*Sees my name in a math textbook* class: *stares at me* me: "yeah b!tches I bought 60 watermelons"
In the morning there`s a huge difference between 6:00 and 6:05.
I`m going to stop off at the fabric store before my next status to get some new material!
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Facebook is the reason why my work is not done.