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I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
Warning: this life contains strong language, adult situations and nudity.
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left behind by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
I’ve come to the realization that the trash goes out more than I do.
Lying in bed, listening to the Doors. I really should oil the hinges...
I realized I eat too much fast food so I decided I would start cooking for myself. Does anyone here know how to "mcnugget" a chicken?
People who don’t like pizza are people you don’t need in your life.
My 13yo just dumped his girlfriend and now he`s attempting to get his hoodie back. He`s in for one hell of a life lesson.
Drinking coffee is a fun way to become dependent on paying money to wake up.
In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it’s fine, but women can’t sleep with lots of men or else they’re whores. “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it’s just a sh!tty lock.”
Offering a hobo $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is go to bed.
I don’t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
Keep the dream alive, hit the snooze button.
People say that I have no idea what hard work is. That`s not true! I know exactly what it is... How do you think I avoid it so easily?