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My next relationship will be with someone who thinks "Wine" is a perfectly acceptable answer when he asks what`s for dinner.
Do you want to know Victoria`s Secret? Their lingerie doesn`t look the same on your girlfriend as it does on their models..
It`s really ironic that I mostly use my driver`s license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.
Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don`t make a right. Tomorrow I`m going to try three.
The amount of people who confuse "to" and "too" is amazing two me.
this one time I was in a bush, and this squirrel was like hey, and I was like hey you can`t talk to me your a squirrel and he was like yea I know lmao
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
Keep calm and drink on.
It`s a little disappointing when you`re watching a school basket ball game & no one turns into a werewolf.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.
If a door closes in your life...kick that f*cking thing open and continue to pursue your dreams.
In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it`s in.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service, it`s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
I just heard someone say "I can`t wait for 13/13/13" .....let`s take a moment and pray for this dumbass