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Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
Okay, calm down. Its a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!
I hate when I get to work and I`m at work.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good!
The guy who decided how to spell bologna was clearly in over his head.
You don`t look like 200 likes in person
Group Therapy: listening to ALL your voices.
My religious preference, is for you to steer clear of me with yours.
Apparently typos only become visible to the human eye after you hit send.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn`t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me...
WARNING::World Health Organization says radiation from cell phones may cause cancer. Please text everyone you know about this.
No Grandma, "sausage fest" is not a new special breakfast at IHOP
There damn well better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober!
She caught my iphone before it hit the ground... She`s definitely my screensaver